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Star Trek 2.0: This Side of Paradise Rebooted 17.09.2010

Posted by Commodore Mendez in NewTrek.
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Because people won't like big sci fi words like "Berthold rays."

Famous episodes of Star Trek TOS if they were rebooted by J.J. Abrams, et. al.

“This Side of Paradise,” Stardate 3417.3–3417.7
The Enterprise sets out on a grim mission to recover the bodies of Omicron Ceti III colonists, who are assumed dead from exposure to UV rays. But a landing party finds the colonists attending a rave and drinking Coke. Young Douchey McCoy examines them, then raises a bottle and declares, “If any place is paradise, this is it.” Young Douchey Spock meets an old flame, Leila Kalomi (Keri Russell), who shows him strange CGI flowers, the smell of which imposes a state of euphoria on people while also making them really thirsty. Even YD Spock is affected, and his half-human emotions surface.

How long has it been?

About seven years, I’d say. Do you have protection, baby?

Meanwhile, Young Douchey Chekhov tells one of the colonists who says she loves him, “That is wery kind of you.” Scotty and his pet/assistant Keenser try to make their own brew of Saurian brandy, with hilarious  results.

YD Spock and Leila hook up—just as Young Douchey Uhura beams down. An onscreen 17-minute catfight ensues. YD Spock exposes YD Uhura to the flower, and all three move away into another room.

The spores rapidly infect the crew, causing them to mutiny against Young Douchey Kirk, who is genetically immune to the spores. The bare-chested YD Spock confronts  YD Kirk, who immediately removes his shirt. An onscreen 17-minute wrestling match ensues.

After commercial, YD Spock and YD Kirk emerge from the captain’s quarters, both with wet hair. YD Spock says the only logical thing to do is to create a subsonic transmitter to spread YD Kirk’s immunity to the others.

Later, Leila says, “Do you mind if I say I still love you?” YD Uhura stares phasers at her, but YD Spock makes no objection. Then she asks if he has another name besides Spock. He tells her. “You couldn’t put your mouth around it.” They embrace, and he slips Leila his phone number.

Meanwhile, Young Douchey Sulu finds another clue about a conspiracy to destroy Starfleet.


Porque Soy Un Trekkie, Part 2 03.03.2010

Posted by Commodore Mendez in Star Trek.
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The elusive brown dwarf -- was eventually found under the lid of a boiling pot of pasta.

In graduate school I roomed with a fun flock of fanboys. There was Marc, Steve, Rich, Phil, and my roommate, Andy. In any case, bouts of Risk and Diplomacy filled our suite as much as beer and bad cooking. And even women sometimes. In any event, I was in a long-distance relationship of sorts and wasn’t around for a lot of the weekend-long gaming. During the weekdays, though, I would come out of my room and see the guys gathered around our TV set in the living room all watching Star Trek TOS with rapt attention.

“Another repeat!,” I would declare in false indignation.

And they would snicker, even when I said it the 50th time. Well, maybe by that point they were ignoring me.

Sometimes I would watch with them, sometimes I wouldn’t. As I said, I was not quite a complete Trekkie. Not yet.

In any case, it was early in the fall 1987 term when Star Trek: The Next Generation premiered. There had been some talk and of course trepidation among us. But overall I believe we were all curious about the new show. This was years before we as a culture had been be beaten down by endless remakes and reboots and feared them like aliens that mostly come out at night. Mostly. We didn’t know what damage could be done. After all, the Star Trek movies had for the most part been good fun. What could go wrong?

So we watched the new show, and the consensus among our suite of fanboys was that it was really cool, but maybe needed a little time to establish itself. Although I think Marc mancrushed on Riker right away.

I watched. I watched it for years.

It never grew on me. To me, Patrick Stewart was miscast, an overactor, but not in a fun way. And the rest of the cast seemed stiff and fatally uncharismatic. The stories were dull, short on action, long, very long on technobabble.

However, I realized while watching this pale, politically correct imitation how much I loved, LOVED the original series. The energy! The intelligence! The sense of humor! All these I found missing from TNG.

I admit, maybe I loved TOS much more because the Kirk-Spock-McCoy trio were archetypal, bigger-than-life characters with unfillable boots. Maybe it’s because I had lived with them so long, they were family. And so Picard and his players seemed just pretenders, throwaway TV types in uncomfortable looking pajamas.

In any case, I stayed with TNG as long as I could, but there are many episodes I’ve yet to see. But that show and  Star Trek: Deep Space Nine and :Voyager were part of my continuing voyage to becoming a Latino Trekkie.