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Star Trek 2.0: The Naked Time Rebooted 27.09.2010

Posted by Commodore Mendez in New Trek.
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"Your blood pressure is practically nonexistent, assuming you call that green stuff in your body blood."

Famous episodes of Star Trek TOS if they were rebooted by J.J. Abrams, et. al.

“The Naked Time,” Stardate 1704.2
The Enterprise travels to a deep space mining station on an asteroid run by the Tagruato Corporation. The transporter seems to be malfunctioning, so Young Douchey Kirk space-rappels down to the surface and fixes the transporter. He finds all the scientists there dead—and naked. A beaming party lands, including Ensign Hawkins (Alias‘s Greg Grunberg), who carelessly removes his gloves to pick up a cheeseburger and is contaminated by a strange red liquid pulsing nearby.

Back on board, Hawkins  threatens Young Douchey Sulu with a Phaser Gatling gun. YD Sulu, visibly glad to get more than 37 seconds of screen time, doffs his shirt and disarms Hawkins  using capoeira.

Soon, whatever affected Hawkins spreads to other crew members and quickly spreads throughout the ship. Crewmembers began to shed their uniforms and make out openly all over the ship.

Meanwhile, Young Douchey Uhura tries to get Young Douchey Spock to touch one of the infected crewmembers.

YD UHURA
How about that one? Pick him up. He needs help.

YD SPOCK
He does not appear to need attention.

YD KIRK
I know a girl who does. Hey, how about that one?

But he says he needs to see the captain. Elsewhere, Scotty and his pet/assistant Keenser emerge from Scotty’s quarters, both looking sad. Scotty delivers the famous line: “I canna’ change the laws of physics.” In Engineering, lesbian Lieutenant Katie Reilly has taken over the engines and began singing k.d. lang songs.

Meanwhile, Hawkins dies in Sick Bay. YD Kirk becomes overwrought with emotion about losing a crewmember and takes off his shirt. He is infected and in turns infects YD McCoy and YD Spock. They leave Sick Bay to enjoy Budweiser Classics in the observation deck naked. Laughing and crying about his lack of emotions, and how he doesn’t know what YD Uhura means when she wants him to “have some JuicyFruit,” YD Spock suddenly realizes that on the Tagruato  asteroid, a virus has been living undisturbed for centuries was uncovered by the scientists. He re-engineers the virus’s DNA and turns it into a vaccine. A naked Young Douchey Chekhov protests, “Do not waccinate me.”

YD Kirk, YD Spock, and YD McCoy gather around the captain’s chair. YD Spock agrees that he has acquired a taste for lager. YD Kirk pats him hard on the shoulder and says, “You’re Number One in my book.”

Meanwhile, YD Uhura intercepts a transmission about a conspiracy to destroy Starfleet.

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