jump to navigation

What Are Little Iron Men Made Of? 16.05.2010

Posted by Commodore Mendez in Movie reviews.
Tags: , ,
1 comment so far

Movie: Iron Man 2 (2010)
Plot: Shellhead backslides in therapy
IMHO: The first Iron Man, a playful action movie, got by mostly on Robert Downey Jr.’s charm, his behaving as Tony Stark, a ego-driven boy wonder who through adversity and a tin chassis learns to be a better person. But alas the lesson came with a price. In this way-too-loud, rushed-feeling sequel, his power hunger is now fed by his previous savior, that copper carapace; plus, the power source of the armor is literally killing him. Jon Favreau (Swingers, Swingers, and Swingers) brings in quirky Sam Rockwell as a quirky millionaire to balance/battle Downey quirkily, but it’s Mickey Rourke who steals the movie by actually acting with conviction, playing a frustrated Russian scientist based on a combination of Marvel villains Whiplash and Crimson Dynamo. Also, in the name of equal opportunity, Rhodey gets a suit, too. Ocean’s 11er Don Cheadle takes over the role from Terrence Howard, but Howard’s low-key characterization is missed. The action scenes are fine, but figures fighting in CGI armor might as well be Rock ‘Em Sock ‘Em Robots for all we care. The action scenes that sizzle belong to Scarlett Johansson’s Black Widow. Oh, if they just let her use a Russian accent, or gave her something real to do. Rwor. Gwyneth Paltrow sure is pretty.
Compared to the great Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan, this movie is all static discharge and gas clouds.
If William Shatner had directed it, he would’ve played Stark’s dad himself. And maybe added more story to make the Stark-Potts romance not seem tacked on. Or kissed Pepper himself!
If Scotty had seen the movie with me, he’d have said, “Palladium? New elements?! Give me a wee drop of dilithium and a fifth of Romulan ale, and I’ll have the lad flyin’ from here to Rigel in no time.”
SPOILER: Not following plot points? No worries. Jarvis the computer underlines, and I mean, UNDERLINES, every one.
I give this movie: 2 Nomads out of 5

Advertisements

Who Mourns for Edith Hamilton? 17.04.2010

Posted by Commodore Mendez in Movie reviews.
Tags: , ,
2 comments

"Would it have hurt us, I wonder, just to gather a few laurel leaves?"

Movie: The Clash of the Titans (2010)
Plot: Terminator versus the Cloverfield monster.
IMHO: The goofy 1981 original film was unfaithful to the myths, but rather than go back to the old legends for inspiration, the producers just decided to modernize the 1981 film. They toss out the wonderfully complex world of Greek mythology, and, perhaps fearing audience stupidity or non-ticket-buying Christians, reduce it into the idiotic simplicity of Manicheanism, with Qui Gong as a god with a capital G and Voldemort as the Devil. Of the other gods, only Dr. Bashir gets a line! Dr. Bashir! The last time I saw him was on that execrable Merlin show on Sy Fy. Where is Aphrodite? Where is Hera? Where is Poseidon? The Kraken may have been imported from Norse mythology, but as a sea creature it still should be under Poseidon’s aegis. They turn Perseus into an dull antihero with an anachronistic haircut (what’s the matter, Marcus Wright, look bad in the extensions?). In one ludicrous line after another, he says he wants to do “this” as a man—but, hey, pal, you’re a demigod; that’s like Spock saying he’s going to try not having an extra eyelid. And they turn Pegasus black, which somehow seems like racist pandering. In short, this movie is god awful. Do not waste your quatloos.
Compared to the great Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan, this movie spares us notions of poetry, or anything else resembling passion.
If William Shatner had directed it, he would’ve added in a good dropkick, or at least some discernible scale and physical interaction in the action scenes, all of which is missing in the movie.
If Scotty had seen the movie with me, he’d have said, “We made short work of Apollo. This lot would na’ be more difficult.”
SPOILER: You’ll be surprised to find yourself missing Bubo.
I give this movie: 0 Nomads out of 5

Outside Seka 28.03.2010

Posted by Commodore Mendez in Movie reviews.
Tags: , ,
add a comment

I love the fact that Swedish sounds something like gay Klingon.

Movie: The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo (2009)
Plot: A neat procedural thriller based on Stieg Larsson’s novel about a two Mac lovers who find sex and justice together in Sweden.
IMHO: Reading the novel may have spoiled some of the movie’s mystique for me. Certainly, the final twist screamed more obviously than it ever did in the book. Duh, with a Swedish accent. Michael Nyqvist gives first a dry then a wry performance as stalwart journalist Mikael Blomkvist, who is called upon to solve the mystery a 40-year-old disappearance. He and the movie come alive whenever Noomi Rapace broods onto the screen. She plays the character that gives the book and movie its only distinguishing element—young gothy female hacker (who uses a Mac??) Lisbeth Salander, who helps Nyqvist uncover the brutal truths. But the movie suffers from trying to have its torture porn and socially comment on it, too.
Compared to the great Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan, this movie is a lot about flying a goddamn computer console.
If William Shatner had directed it, he would’ve given himself the role of the sadist pig/rapist guardian. With a goatee. And hoping for an Oscar. He also would’ve learned Swedish for the role.
If Scotty had seen the movie with me, he’d have said it was the work of Redjac, for sure.
SPOILER: The American remake will totally suck.
I give this movie: 3 Nomads out of 5

The Hirsute of Happiness 28.02.2010

Posted by Commodore Mendez in Movie reviews.
Tags: , ,
add a comment

Do werewolves read Allen Ginsberg?

Movie: The Wolfman (2010)
Plot: The bad Hulk movie with werewolves, or Hannibal Lector’s son comes home to find out why his brother was julienned on the moors.
IMHO: Seeing this on bootleg probably robbed me of the only creative nuances of this and any werewolf movie—the makeup and transformation scenes. This because every werewolf movie is a tragedy, in fact, the same tragedy: nice man gets bit; turns to a moon-howler, kills; wakes up disoriented; falls in love along the way; gets killed, his lover present, if not actually doing the killing. This remake of the 1941 classic grows no new fangs, with Benicio Del Toro doing the perpetual look of despair typical to all lycanthropic leads, and Anthony Hopkins phoning it in as his long-in-the-tooth dad. Emily Blunt is pretty.
Compared to the great Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan, this movie doesn’t mince words.
If Leonard Nimoy had directed it, he would’ve emphasized the original movie‘s metaphorical take on Nazi Germany. And kept the pentagrams.
If Scotty had seen the movie with me, he’d have said, “Aye, now that calls for some hair of the dog! Will you join me, lad?”
SPOILER: This is not the movie with the fey vampire and his teen gf.
I give this movie: 1.5 Nomads out of 5