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March of the Iron Soldiers 26.05.2013

Posted by Commodore Mendez in Movie reviews.
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Nothing's been the same since New York.

Nothing’s been the same since New York.

Movie: Iron Man 3 (2013)

Plot: Team Shellhead fights something besides another guy in armor

IMHO: Shane Black (The Monster Squad) continues his obsession with Christmas as he takes over direction in this third entry in the successful armored superhero series. In a mashup of Pinocchio and Lassie adventures, empty CGI suits of armor must come to the aid of their flawed but lovable not-drunk master Tony Stark (Robert Downey Jr, best known for U.S. Marshals). Meanwhile, Gwyneth Paltrow stars as a corporate CEO tragically in love with a narcissist. When he not-drunkenly threatens an international terrorist who is not Chinese although his name is the Mandarin, she and the team of empty CGI armor (an obvious reference to Snow White and the Seventeen Dwarves) swoop in to save her lover’s not-drunken ass from a group of bland Human Torches (wearing fireproof clothing). Quirky Guy Pearce is brought in to wear makeup as a quirky millionaire. Ben Kingsley’s gravitas and charisma is wasted in a red herring role as an international terrorist who is not Chinese although his name is the Mandarin. The twist involving his character is never more than clever. Don Cheadle (Moving Violations) costars as Tony Stark’s forbidden love interest who is crestfallen when his fabulously colorful version of armor is met with derision by Stark. Rebecca Hall sure is pretty.

Compared to the great Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan: This movie reveals that scientists have always been pawns of the military.

If William Shatner had directed it: He would’ve cast James Spader as Rhodey.

If Scotty had seen the movie with me: He’d have said, “The more they overthink the plumbing, the easier it is to stop up the drain.”

SPOILER: China does not want the villain to be Chinese, even though his name is the Mandarin.

RATING: 2 Nomads out of 5 (minus one for bathroom humor)