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Star Trek 2.0: This Side of Paradise Rebooted 17.09.2010

Posted by Commodore Mendez in NewTrek.
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Because people won't like big sci fi words like "Berthold rays."

Famous episodes of Star Trek TOS if they were rebooted by J.J. Abrams, et. al.

“This Side of Paradise,” Stardate 3417.3–3417.7
The Enterprise sets out on a grim mission to recover the bodies of Omicron Ceti III colonists, who are assumed dead from exposure to UV rays. But a landing party finds the colonists attending a rave and drinking Coke. Young Douchey McCoy examines them, then raises a bottle and declares, “If any place is paradise, this is it.” Young Douchey Spock meets an old flame, Leila Kalomi (Keri Russell), who shows him strange CGI flowers, the smell of which imposes a state of euphoria on people while also making them really thirsty. Even YD Spock is affected, and his half-human emotions surface.

How long has it been?

About seven years, I’d say. Do you have protection, baby?

Meanwhile, Young Douchey Chekhov tells one of the colonists who says she loves him, “That is wery kind of you.” Scotty and his pet/assistant Keenser try to make their own brew of Saurian brandy, with hilarious  results.

YD Spock and Leila hook up—just as Young Douchey Uhura beams down. An onscreen 17-minute catfight ensues. YD Spock exposes YD Uhura to the flower, and all three move away into another room.

The spores rapidly infect the crew, causing them to mutiny against Young Douchey Kirk, who is genetically immune to the spores. The bare-chested YD Spock confronts  YD Kirk, who immediately removes his shirt. An onscreen 17-minute wrestling match ensues.

After commercial, YD Spock and YD Kirk emerge from the captain’s quarters, both with wet hair. YD Spock says the only logical thing to do is to create a subsonic transmitter to spread YD Kirk’s immunity to the others.

Later, Leila says, “Do you mind if I say I still love you?” YD Uhura stares phasers at her, but YD Spock makes no objection. Then she asks if he has another name besides Spock. He tells her. “You couldn’t put your mouth around it.” They embrace, and he slips Leila his phone number.

Meanwhile, Young Douchey Sulu finds another clue about a conspiracy to destroy Starfleet.

Star Trek 2.0: Rebooting “Arena” 17.09.2010

Posted by Commodore Mendez in New Trek.

YD Spock: "I believe the Captain has a plan — up his . . . sleeve."

Famous episodes of Star Trek TOS if they were rebooted by J.J. Abrams, et. al.

“Arena 2.0,” Stardate 3045.6
The Enterprise comes under attack by unknown aliens while checking out a genocidal massacre on Cestus III. While chasing the aliens, both ships are captured by the Metrians, who force Young Douchey Kirk and the alien captain, a reptilian with red amphibian lungs on the side of his face known as SubCommander Gorn (filmed with CGI, with motion performance by Andy Serkis) into a combat to the death—without their technological weapons! Back on board, Young Douchey Spock and Young Douchey Uhura discuss their relationship.

What is this shit about seven years? Uhura don’t wait that long for no man.

In the interim, I would allow you to cuddle me.

Aw hell no!

Young Douchey McCoy tells YD Spock to do something about YD Kirk. YD Spock says it would be illogical. Meanwhile, Young Douchey Chekhov says, “The alien wessel is attacking.”  Scotty and his pet/assistant Keenser try to make their own brew of Romulan Ale, with hilarious results.

Back on the planet, YD Kirk uses Mixed Martial Arts moves on SubCommander Gorn to no avail. But unbeknownst to the Metrians, he had secreted a Budweiser bottle opener somewhere in his person. Using the bottle opener (shown prominently) and natural resources found on the planet, YD Kirk creates a laser that he uses to sever the Gorn goo-ily in two. YD Spock says it was the only logical thing to do. YD Kirk shares Buds with the Metrians as an important first step in diplomacy.

Douchey Christopher Pike cameos in a shiny levitating wheelchair at the end to tell YD Kirk, “Good job.”

Meanwhile, Young Douchey Sulu learns more about a conspiracy to destroy Starfleet.

Serling, the Master 31.08.2010

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Beam Me Up, Beam Me Up Hard 26.08.2010

Posted by Yeoman Nacelle Envy in Uncategorized.
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A very dear friend sent me this link, asking what I thought of it. I found it reasonably entertaining, in a science-fiction-y kinda way. But full disclosure: I have to admit that, in my crotchety old age, I’ve become addicted to actual “genuine” freaky science stuff. I know, I’m a nerd. I read Discover, Scientific American, Free Inquiry, and Skeptical Inquirer cover-to-cover and devour shelves of laymen-friendly physics books and hours of all kinds of hard science TV shows and the like. Stuff about string theory, quantum mechanics, dark energy, the search for the “Higgs Boson,” black holes, behavior evolution, warped space/time issues, ‘brane theory, the nature of consciousness, “spooky action at a distance,” multiple universes, research into invisibility, and yes, that single molecule “scientists successfully teleported” really fascinates me.

So, in honestly, the kind of completely baseless, made-up stuff this guy Bashar is randomly pulling out of his butt and presenting as reality is entertaining, but truth is it’s kinda annoying to me he’s not labeling it “science fiction” considering how much REAL mindboggling, absolutely amazing science discoveries and stunning, breathtakingly scientific research is actually going on out there. Right now all around the world. Just my two cents.

I have no problem with people making stuff up if they openly present it as fiction — hell, I do that myself whenever the eff I can — but it’s a big pet peeve when they do it as fact. And the web is full if these kinds of shenanigans. Don’t mean to get my back up, but, just for example, it’s like when Deepak Chopra takes a really cool recent physics discovery, completely distorts it (and misunderstands it), and then uses it, incorrectly, to support and “validate” some random “new age” spirituality trend he’s trying to sell the public — it pisses me off.

Can you tell this issue strikes a nerve in me? Sorry. Maybe it comes from my old days as an amateur conjurer. We magicians get particularly hinky about this stuff. I don’t think it’s by accident that people who are well-versed at tricking the public (and see how incredibly easy it is to fool them) — from me, to The Amazing Randi, to Penn & Teller, to Houdini himself — often become seriously obsessed with debunking charlatans, fakes, and hucksters. It’s a natural progression.

Sorry, I went off on many tangents. Too much coffee this morning. Bottom line is my philosophy is: reality and this universe of ours is turning out to be weird, wild, wacky, strange and thrilling enough — without making up stuff and presenting it as the truth, you know? There’s just no need!

On the other hand, humans have been making random stuff up since the beginning of recorded history (don’t get me started on religion!) so I suppose I should just accept it at this point. Sigh.

Doing the Butt 05.07.2010

Posted by Commodore Mendez in Uncategorized.
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Hear Commodore Mendez interviewed on the Look at His Butt podcast, hosted by honorary drunken trekkies (and slash writers) Lene Taylor and Jungle Kitty (who sounds suspiciously like actress Patricia Clarkson, hmm).

Episode 129 on MP3

The Prime Directive Is to Rock 18.06.2010

Posted by Commodore Mendez in Star Trek Stuff.
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Summing Up Six Seasons of “Lost” 24.05.2010

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What Are Little Iron Men Made Of? 16.05.2010

Posted by Commodore Mendez in Movie reviews.
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Movie: Iron Man 2 (2010)
Plot: Shellhead backslides in therapy
IMHO: The first Iron Man, a playful action movie, got by mostly on Robert Downey Jr.’s charm, his behaving as Tony Stark, a ego-driven boy wonder who through adversity and a tin chassis learns to be a better person. But alas the lesson came with a price. In this way-too-loud, rushed-feeling sequel, his power hunger is now fed by his previous savior, that copper carapace; plus, the power source of the armor is literally killing him. Jon Favreau (Swingers, Swingers, and Swingers) brings in quirky Sam Rockwell as a quirky millionaire to balance/battle Downey quirkily, but it’s Mickey Rourke who steals the movie by actually acting with conviction, playing a frustrated Russian scientist based on a combination of Marvel villains Whiplash and Crimson Dynamo. Also, in the name of equal opportunity, Rhodey gets a suit, too. Ocean’s 11er Don Cheadle takes over the role from Terrence Howard, but Howard’s low-key characterization is missed. The action scenes are fine, but figures fighting in CGI armor might as well be Rock ‘Em Sock ‘Em Robots for all we care. The action scenes that sizzle belong to Scarlett Johansson’s Black Widow. Oh, if they just let her use a Russian accent, or gave her something real to do. Rwor. Gwyneth Paltrow sure is pretty.
Compared to the great Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan, this movie is all static discharge and gas clouds.
If William Shatner had directed it, he would’ve played Stark’s dad himself. And maybe added more story to make the Stark-Potts romance not seem tacked on. Or kissed Pepper himself!
If Scotty had seen the movie with me, he’d have said, “Palladium? New elements?! Give me a wee drop of dilithium and a fifth of Romulan ale, and I’ll have the lad flyin’ from here to Rigel in no time.”
SPOILER: Not following plot points? No worries. Jarvis the computer underlines, and I mean, UNDERLINES, every one.
I give this movie: 2 Nomads out of 5

New Trek Sweded 05.05.2010

Posted by Commodore Mendez in Star Trek.
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I definitely enjoyed this better than New Trek.

Who Mourns for Edith Hamilton? 17.04.2010

Posted by Commodore Mendez in Movie reviews.
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"Would it have hurt us, I wonder, just to gather a few laurel leaves?"

Movie: The Clash of the Titans (2010)
Plot: Terminator versus the Cloverfield monster.
IMHO: The goofy 1981 original film was unfaithful to the myths, but rather than go back to the old legends for inspiration, the producers just decided to modernize the 1981 film. They toss out the wonderfully complex world of Greek mythology, and, perhaps fearing audience stupidity or non-ticket-buying Christians, reduce it into the idiotic simplicity of Manicheanism, with Qui Gong as a god with a capital G and Voldemort as the Devil. Of the other gods, only Dr. Bashir gets a line! Dr. Bashir! The last time I saw him was on that execrable Merlin show on Sy Fy. Where is Aphrodite? Where is Hera? Where is Poseidon? The Kraken may have been imported from Norse mythology, but as a sea creature it still should be under Poseidon’s aegis. They turn Perseus into an dull antihero with an anachronistic haircut (what’s the matter, Marcus Wright, look bad in the extensions?). In one ludicrous line after another, he says he wants to do “this” as a man—but, hey, pal, you’re a demigod; that’s like Spock saying he’s going to try not having an extra eyelid. And they turn Pegasus black, which somehow seems like racist pandering. In short, this movie is god awful. Do not waste your quatloos.
Compared to the great Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan, this movie spares us notions of poetry, or anything else resembling passion.
If William Shatner had directed it, he would’ve added in a good dropkick, or at least some discernible scale and physical interaction in the action scenes, all of which is missing in the movie.
If Scotty had seen the movie with me, he’d have said, “We made short work of Apollo. This lot would na’ be more difficult.”
SPOILER: You’ll be surprised to find yourself missing Bubo.
I give this movie: 0 Nomads out of 5