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Tis the Season, All Right! 14.12.2009

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Perfect for when you break open that bottle of tranya

Okay. You know who we are, and now you know these exist. And where to get them. Do we have to connect the dots for you?


Next Gen Nature versus Nurture 14.12.2009

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75% Klingon. 100% Trouble.

Blood will tell. Klingon blood, that is! Maybe. This past weekend actor Brian Bonsall, who originated the seminal ST: TNG role of Alexander Rozhenko, son of the son of Mogh, allegedly got into a bar brawl in Colorado (on Earth) and was taken into custody. Perhaps after too much blood wine. Perhaps after some ski bum besmirched his honor.

Colorado Daily reports that the 28-year-old is facing third-degree assault charges for hitting his friend in the face with a bar stool. He’s probably grateful he left his bat’leth home. His dad should be proud, although as the ultimate Klingon Oreo, Worf would probably chastise his estranged cheese-cutter of a son.

The police report revealed: “Bonsall said that he takes a lot of drugs and sometimes those drugs make him forget things.” Like the lessons of Kahless!

The once-cloyingly-cute actor has encountered the authorities before. He was arrested for drunk driving in 2004, for assaulting his girlfriend in 2007, and for inducing diabetic comas on ST: TNG viewers every time he appeared in makeup as a cuddly Klingon brat-child.

Klingons, you may remember, were the bastards who killed Captain Kirk’s son.

Bonsall was also the Oliver for Family Ties and may have been distressed over the recent news that his mama was gay.

Please be careful when gift shopping 11.12.2009

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epic fail pictures
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Best Use of ST:TNG 08.12.2009

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To Be or Not to Qapla’! 03.12.2009

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Deleted Kirk Scene! 24.11.2009

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The Man, the IconMany of you no doubt have heard about William Shatner’s missing scene from the Star Trek 2.0 script. Now those pages from the actual script have surfaced online, and we thought you’d like to take a gander . . .



Then I ask that you do yourself a
favor… put away logic, and do what
feels right: Shag Uhura like the rabid
Klingon targ she is. You go, boy.

And from around his neck, he removes a GIANT GOLD WATCH
PENDANT that ticks backward! Places it on the table beside his
younger self. The feeling in his eyes should look profound…


Yo, this was a gift to me. You want it, …
you can have it. Sell it if you need to get
some juice, if you know what I mean.
If it’s good stuff, get me some too.

And moves to the door. Stops. Offers the one-fingered VULCAN SALUTE:


Keep it real, motherfucker.

Their eyes hold. Spock turns, disappearing into the  corridor. Young douchey Spock stares at the empty doorway a  beat, his mind a jumble of thoughts. Looks to the pendant… and realizes it’s a FUCKING HOLO-EMITTER. After  considering a beat, he hits an activation button and a  MOVING HOLOGRAPHIC MESSAGE materializes before him: THE CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK. THE REAL ONE.


Happy birthday to me, happy birthday to
(stops, grins)
I know, I know, it’s stupid to pay me to do
a cameo when I cost as much as the rest
of the movie. But seriously, since you’re also
tapping them for a nice piece of change,
they’ll probably save me for the next movie,
to get more bang for their bucks.
Don’t worry, I’ve got Boston Legal residuals,
and I still command top dollar at conventions.
(beat, emotional)
More than you, old friend.

… and we’re PUSHING IN on Young Douchey Spock, taking in the  image of Kirk’s future self, the message, but above all —  the clear, unquestionable friendship these two men had…

As Spock Prime walks off down the corridor, he passes  right by a man chatting up a nurse — the man pauses,  turns… it’s DOUCHEY SAREK! He decks him.


I suppose it’s sad when you realize a
beloved cultural icon like myself, and by
myself I mean me, Kirk, Kirk, me —
I never had that silly “I am. . . . I am not”
schizophrenia you had. That was all that LDS
you used to take back in the day…

INT. STARBASE ONE – HANGAR –  glass walls reveal THE ENTERPRISE at dock, UTILITY CRAFTS floating around it, repairing. Standing at attention in rows, THE ENTERPRISE CREW —  more than four hundred of them wearing DRESS UNIFORMS — TRACK  DOWN the faces, all proud:


It’s sad when you realize a beloved cultural
hero and role model is really just a commercial
entity, a corporate-owned product that can be
updated, retooled, rebranded like a box of Corn Flakes,
a can of Coca Cola.

And we STOP ON YOUNG DOUCHEY KIRK. Acne scars, weird nostrils, dirty hair. Wondering if he’ll get typecast forever, trying not to think about all the smelly Trekkies whose asses his going to have to kiss for the fucking rest of his life. A man in drag called  the FEDERATION COMMANDANT stands at a podium:


Do me a favor, Little Kirk…

Kirk breaks from formation, pivots, marches down the hangar — past DOUCHEY UHURA… DOUCHEY SULU… DOUCHEY CHEKOV… SCOTTY. Notably absent, is Spock.  Kirk ascends the stairs, snaps to attention:


Put the shut, to the up. Okay? Shut to the up.
SHUT TO THE UP. Shut up!

Kirk turns. Walks to… PIKE. In a wheelchair now, wearing an ADMIRAL’S UNIFORM. They SALUTE each other:


I relieve you, Sir.


… evs.

He opens a BOX in his lap — a MEDAL!:


I never thought they’d make you frikking
captain of MY FRIKKING SHIP. I have to stop
frikking drinking frikking Romulan Ale
on frikking duty.

Pike pins the medal to Kirk’s chest HARD…


(bitter as hell)
Piss off.


Thank you, sir. Keep in touch with me
on my new Nokia phone!

Kirk turns to the crowd. Eyes shining. WILD APPLAUSE. MUSIC SOARS. Bones leans in to Sulu, shaking his head:


… Frankly, I wouldn’t expect many more
lines in the next movie either.

As Kirk rejoins his crew for hugs and product placements, we go to the BACK of the hangar and see… SPOCK PRIME. Yawning. He turns and leaves them to it… as he goes…


I know what you’d say — “You peddle that
iconic ass of yours for Priceline, WTF!” And of course
you’re right… but it got me thinking:

Our montage comes full circle as we END on Kirk’s transmission:


Sometimes the role is bigger than
the actor, sometimes the idea of the hero
is bigger than the man who portrays him.
But sometimes it’s not. Or maybe not yet.
Every generation gets the heroes they deserve.
And if this is the hero this generation
wants, then maybe I’m glad not to be a
part of it.

Stops, grins. Because this is the part he needs to say most…


I’ll admit it, though. My ego won’t let me

Young Douchey Spock’s face. Trying really hard to not look like Sylar.

Wha? 23.10.2009

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Klingon Aphrodisiacs? 19.10.2009

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The Return? 23.09.2009

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Aye, aye, Captain

Aye, aye, Captain

Dear Chuffnut Asterix,

WAIT a double dumbass minute!

I may be halfway into this loverly bottle of Cabernet, but IF we accept that all canon events have changed since Nero fiddled with the timeline in New Trek, then doesn’t that mean that events like Captain Kirk dying on Veridian III in Star Trek Smellerations are no longer valid. That Kirk’s death at the hands of a script riddled with plot holes and a producer and a writing team whose disregard and disrespect for the character was palpable, that that moment . . . is no longer true. Just. Didn’t. Happen.

Therefore, ergo, and in conclusion, I submit that William Shatner is ALIVE AND WELL as Captain Kirk in the Trek 2.0 universe. Well, as the older Captain Kirk, Chris Pine when he grows up, clears up his acne, maybe gets a nose job, not to get personal. (We can also happily conclude that Picard got his ass handed to him by Dr. McDowell and that a planet of people we never get to see or sympathize with get blasted by a extremely fast-acting probe.)

I realize most of you who go around sober may have already realized this. But for me it’s a [insert colorful metaphor] epiphany. In fact, that whole JayJay Abrams’ claim that it would be hard to shoehorn in Shatner now goes out the porthole, since the whole Wagon Train to the Stars trip has been begun again. So Shatner could have been in the movie, since there was time traveling out the ying yang, anyway. They might have been able to fast forward to the future, or even frame the movie with Kirk looking back on the (rebooted) story of his life.

Bringing him back for New Trek 2, however, could be problematic. Since how much frikkin’ time travel stuff can people take? Time travel has been beaten to death more than Walter Koenig’s career. We can only hope they do bring Shatner back. Before, you know. . . . That of which we dare not speak.


Archibald Footcheese III

Space Doldrums 19.08.2009

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Feel that? Hear the wind? All right, the solar wind, if you must. Yeah, I can’t hear it ether. Nothing’s happening. This is how it was a few months after the end of Star Trek: Enterprise when all the bitching about the horrible last episode finally petered out and then . . . there was nothing. Nothing to look forward to.

Another entry in the ST:TNG series of movie abortions? Hah! Apparently enough of us who sacrificed to the dark gods were heard. A miniseries wrapping up Deep Space Nine? Never gonna happen. Bring Back Kirk‘s mission of slipping Shatner back into the Captain’s seat again? A mad cow dream.

So there was nothing . . . only the deep silence of space. Hey, that worked out nicely. So — what were all the Trek-based websites doing?

Well, those that weren’t so wrapped up in Trekness talked about other sci fi movies or shows. For example, for a while, TrekWeb was more like BattelstarGalaticaWeb. Anyway, coming to the rescue, to make sure the property did not get stagnant, moribund, unprofitable, there came along the whole Star Trek movie reboot idea. For good. Or evil.

But now it’s come and gone (and, frankly, time has done the opposite of improving my impression of it — the more you think about that movie, the more it sucks Klingon hemorrhoided ass). So now we’re in the doldrums again. Waiting for a signal. Meanwhile, those ‘tard screenwriters Roberto “Parece a un Orc” Orci and Alex “Hershey Squirts” Kurtzman are doing everything they can to keep up the chatter, dropping hints about the next movie’s script that they are spending long nights in their skidmarked skivvies typing out. The biggest disappointment about the next movie, of course, is that they will be involved.

Oh yeah, there was also the Nero comic book, which adds all this stuff the movie should have told us. Nice cross-marketing, Paramount. The new comic book, which I read in the store (I wouldn’t actually buy it!) is just as horrible as the Countdown graphic novel that came out when the movie did, also adding details the movie should have told us. Some nice panels, but overall both are duds as comic books and as Star Trek. Orc and Squirtzman worked on the comic books, too, by the way.

So what are we as fans to do? Even more, what are we as Trek bloggers to do? I say we wait out the dark, droll doldrums by finding other, better, less corporately compromised pieces of sci fi to enjoy. Oh yeah, and by drinking a lot of fucking alcohol, of course.