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Star Trek 2.0: Rebooting “Arena” 17.09.2010

Posted by Commodore Mendez in New Trek.

YD Spock: "I believe the Captain has a plan — up his . . . sleeve."

Famous episodes of Star Trek TOS if they were rebooted by J.J. Abrams, et. al.

“Arena 2.0,” Stardate 3045.6
The Enterprise comes under attack by unknown aliens while checking out a genocidal massacre on Cestus III. While chasing the aliens, both ships are captured by the Metrians, who force Young Douchey Kirk and the alien captain, a reptilian with red amphibian lungs on the side of his face known as SubCommander Gorn (filmed with CGI, with motion performance by Andy Serkis) into a combat to the death—without their technological weapons! Back on board, Young Douchey Spock and Young Douchey Uhura discuss their relationship.

What is this shit about seven years? Uhura don’t wait that long for no man.

In the interim, I would allow you to cuddle me.

Aw hell no!

Young Douchey McCoy tells YD Spock to do something about YD Kirk. YD Spock says it would be illogical. Meanwhile, Young Douchey Chekhov says, “The alien wessel is attacking.”  Scotty and his pet/assistant Keenser try to make their own brew of Romulan Ale, with hilarious results.

Back on the planet, YD Kirk uses Mixed Martial Arts moves on SubCommander Gorn to no avail. But unbeknownst to the Metrians, he had secreted a Budweiser bottle opener somewhere in his person. Using the bottle opener (shown prominently) and natural resources found on the planet, YD Kirk creates a laser that he uses to sever the Gorn goo-ily in two. YD Spock says it was the only logical thing to do. YD Kirk shares Buds with the Metrians as an important first step in diplomacy.

Douchey Christopher Pike cameos in a shiny levitating wheelchair at the end to tell YD Kirk, “Good job.”

Meanwhile, Young Douchey Sulu learns more about a conspiracy to destroy Starfleet.



1. Kitty - 17.09.2010

This rocks! But are you sure you want a CGI Gorn? Why not cast a Young Douchey Gorn actor?

Commodore Mendez - 17.09.2010

Actually, I think Greg Grunberg (Alias) might perform as a YD Gorn in heavy makeup , but the studio would force Abrams to cut those scenes and add “something CGI.”

2. Kitty - 18.09.2010

The laser is CGI, right? Make the Metrons CGI. Hell, make Sulu & Chekov CGI. I just really wanna see how fucked up a YD Gorn would be.

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