Commodore Mendez’ Patented Star Trek Movie Review Template Device Thingy(R)

The Nomad MK-15c-Tanru Hybrid, the new standard by which all movies shall be judged

I figure maybe I could review some movies here while waiting to be disappointed in the next Star Trek movie. But I’m too lazy to start from scratch every time. And I want to keep Trek alive and well in these posts. Herewith is the template I will be using for my movie reviews:

Movie title (year): _____________________.
This movie PITHY/PUNNY COMMENT.
The actors VERB.
The director VERB.
The script VERB.
Compared to the great Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan, this movie: _____________________.
If (pick one) William Shatner/Leonard Nimoy had directed it, there’d be: _____________________.
If Scotty had seen the movie with me, he :_____________________.
Overall: PIQUANT SUMMATION.
I give this movie: 0–5 Nomad MK-15cs

For example, for the movie Horsemen, which I had the misfortune to rent last night, the review would go this way:

Movie title: Horsemen (2009)
This movie makes you wish they shot horsemen as well.
The actors must’ve needed hay. The director should be sent to the glue factory for stealing from Seven. The script is a mudder.
Compared to the great Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan, this movie should be marooned for all eternity in the center of a dead planet.
If Leonard Nimoy had directed it, there’d be been more naked fat Jewish women in it.
If Scotty had seen the movie with me, he would have screamed at Dennis Quaid, “Are ye daft, man?!”
Overall: What could’ve been a semi-decent Saturday afternoon thriller falls apart by the second reel and ends with a stupid ABC Afterschool Special moral: Pay attention to your emo children, Dad, or they’ll gang up and become serial killers.
I give this movie: 0 Nomad MK-15c