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Star Trek Sequel Ideas Guaranteed to Become Blockbusters 18.05.2009

Posted by Commodore Mendez in Star Trek Stuff.
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You know they’re planning Star Trek XII already. Here are just some of the ideas they’re no doubt batting around in some conference room in L.A.

1. Star Trek: The Rise of Khan
In this rehash of the classic TOS episode “Space Seed,” the Enterprise comes upon Khan Noonien Singh and his crew of genetically engineered supermen. Cast Eddie Cibrian or just use his body and put Ricardo Montalban’s CGI head on his body. Marla McGivers might be too young at this point for Khan, so he’d have to fall for Uhura, since in current Hollywood fashion, her romance with Spock needs exterior conflict.
Plus: People love rehashes!
Minus: At his current age and level of inexperience, Kirk would totally get his ass kicked by Khan. But that would be fun to watch. Maybe it would take him down a peg or two.

2. Star Trek: Space Hangover
On a planet where disembodied brains bet on gladiator games, Kirk, Scotty, and Uhura are captured and trained to fight. Kirk’s trainer is Shahna (Mischa Barton), a hottie who barely wears any clothes. He seduces her to win the day. Meanwhile, Uhura’s trainer is a young stud (Chad Michael Murray). Spock experiences jealousy for the first time and rips the guy’s head off. He and Kirk hide the body behind a rock. The posters would read: “What happens in Triskelion, stays in Triskelion.”
Plus: People love rehashes!
Minus: Might seem like a rehash.

3. Star Trek: Curse of the Space Pirates
On a diplomatic mission, the Enterprise hosts a bunch of singing space hipsters (played by the most recent crop of American Idol contestants). They are led by Johnny Depp, playing himself and who, we find out, is apparently immortal. The hijack the ship and plan to take it back in time to a place where there is never-ending indulgence and constant idleness, i.e., America in the 1990s!
Plus: Product placements and cross-marketing galore!
Minus: There might be a message somewhere in this one. That’s not the new Star Trek!

4. Star Trek: Madea Goes to Space
In a double role, Tyler Perry plays Admiral Richard Barnett and his crazy awnt Madea, who through a series of hilarious and well-worn situations, gets the Federation embroiled in a war with the radically reconceived Klingons.
Plus: People love Madea!
Minus: People despise Madea!

5. Star Trek: Mirror
How can they resist this one! The Mirror Universe is one of the most popular concepts in Trek. A sudden ion storm causes a transporter malfunction, and the landing team beams aboard the Enterprise — but in a parallel universe! William Shatner returns as Kirk’s parallel universe dad! And you get Zach Quinto in a goatee and Zoe Saldana in even skimpier clothes!
Plus: People love rehashes!
Minus: People may be sick of parallel universes by now. Or way before now.

6. Star Trek: Vulcan Fever
Uhura is eager to knock boots with love interest Spock, but he only comes into heat every seven years! Enter Nurse Chapel (Blake Lively). Which is something Spock is sorely tempted to do because some space virus (H1N1000?) makes his green blood rise, whipping his hormones into a frenzy. Meanwhile, there is some reason for Kirk to blow up something inappropriately. Scotty says three funny lines.
Plus: Space sex!
Minus: Scotty, Sulu, and Chekhov have only three lines altogether.

7. Star Trek: Salvation
The radically reconceptualized Borg (whose gear looks suspiciously as if it’d been supplied by Apple) (the iBorgs?) enter the quadrant earlier than ever (because Nero changed everything!). They kidnap Kirk and turn him in Tiberius, their new Borg leader. He of course mates with the Borg Queen, perfectly setting up a sequel — Star Trek 13: Son of Kirk. In the B plot: Chekhov is killed but brought back to life.
Plus: iMarketing!
Minus: Christian Bale as the Borg Queen’s jilted mate sounding too much like Batman.

8. Star Trek: The Romulans Strike Back
Chilling out on Delta Vega, Kirk and crew are attacked by the Romulans, who it turns out, did get a lot of technology from Nero. They destroy the Starfleet outpost. Kirk decides he needs more training and goes off to be work with the crippled Admiral Pike (now played by Dennis Quaid in heavy makeup). Spock and Uhura’s love intensifies, but then he is kidnapped and frozen by his here-to-fore unknown half-brother Sybok. She tells Spock she loves him. He says, “Fascinating.”
Plus: A tighter, more fully realized and mature script.
Minus: Cliffhangers don’t sell anymore.

9. Star Trek: Tribble Takedown
In a radical reboot, the Tribbles are gigantic, human-eating balls of fur. Space pirate Cyrano Jones (Paul Giamatti) has stolen their babies and given one to Uhura. This pisses off the parent Tribbles, who can fly into space and hurl energy beams from their cloaca. It takes Scotty all of five minutes to find a way to repel them. But it takes him most of the movie to recover from a hangover. Also: Chekhov is killed but brought back to life.
Plus: Tribble dolls!
Minus: Too many lens flares.

10. Star Trek: War of the Whales
Remember the whale probe from ST:TVH? Well, in this radical reconception, the whale-beings don’t want to send namby-pamby disruptive space signals — they want to fight, mano-a-fin! Tom Cruise guest stars as the lead whale. In the B plot: Scotty and Sulu fall in love.
Plus: Kirk fights a Tom Cruise in a whale suit!
Minus: Plot holes galore!

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Comments»

1. Star Trek Gifts - 02.07.2009

Great list!

I’d love to see the new cast settle into a good deep space mission and whatever the story line, it sure would be great to get a little screen time for the brilliant William Shatner 🙂

Cheers,
Drew
Star Trek Gifts


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