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Murderer of Steel 19.06.2013

Posted by Commodore Mendez in Movie reviews.
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Movie: Man of Steel (2013)

Any resemblance to the Superman you know and love is strictly coincidental

Any resemblance to the Superman you know and love is strictly coincidental

Plot: Space Jesus battles Space Satan, or a relentlessly violent remake of The Hidden

IMHO: Serial characters are corporate properties and so, like colas and cars, are subject to constant tweeking for greater returns. Superman, around since 1938 and arguably the first superhero of the modern age, has been the subject of wonderful interpretations, e.g., The Adventures of Superman, Richard Donner’s Superman, Superman: The Animated Series, as well as horrible visions, e.g., Lois and Clark, the tedious Smallville, and now Man of Steel. Via Chris “Why So Serious” Nolan, Zack Snyder (Legend of the Guardians: The Owls of Ga’Hoole) and David Goyer (Kickboxer 2: The Road Back) bring us the meanest, most cynical version of Superman yet, falling into the now-cliche trap of reboots: in an effort to give us something new, they end up giving us poorly conceived dreck that highlights product (and product placement) and mishandles much of what makes a character lovable and memorable. Man of Steel is a Superman for 11-year-old cheese-eating gamer boys who have not yet developed any sense of taste, who consume without discernment, and who lap up exploding things and sexist images. Henry Cavill fills out the extremely ugly costume well (ugly costumes now being a DCU movie universe staple), but beyond the physical he is strictly flat, handsome but charmless. Amy Adams plays herself gorgeously, adding nothing to Lois Lane (for which the blame no doubt falls on Snyder, who prefers thighs to brains). Michael Shannon is fine, almost Shakespearean, but ultimately forgettable. The plot tries to add heavy science fiction elements, but these all feel borrowed from too many sources. Also: yet another conveniently disappearing black hole. And the ending? There is no excuse for it. A hero is a role model. A hero represents our better selves. A Superman who breaks the neck of his opponent is a not a hero. The Superman of the comic books found thousands of ways to stop evil without resorting to murder. Yes, Superman has killed in comics (thank you, John Byrne; asshole) and movies before, but never so openly and so brutally. Per Snyder, this is the moment Superman learns that killing is bad; but you’d think 33 years on Earth with superpowers he would have accidentally killed a few things and learned that lesson a lot earlier. Do yourself a favor and watch a Superman that brings you a sense of wonder and joy, not this murderous doppleganger.

Compared to the great Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan: This movie indicates two-dimensional thinking.

If William Shatner had directed it: The studio would have slashed his FX budget and forced him to destroy one city block instead of hundreds.

If Scotty had seen the movie with me: He’d have said, “It’s no use. We’re dead in space.”

SPOILER:  “The American Way” apparently reflects American war policy

RATING: 0 Nomads out of 5

March of the Iron Soldiers 26.05.2013

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Nothing's been the same since New York.

Nothing’s been the same since New York.

Movie: Iron Man 3 (2013)

Plot: Team Shellhead fights something besides another guy in armor

IMHO: Shane Black (The Monster Squad) continues his obsession with Christmas as he takes over direction in this third entry in the successful armored superhero series. In a mashup of Pinocchio and Lassie adventures, empty CGI suits of armor must come to the aid of their flawed but lovable not-drunk master Tony Stark (Robert Downey Jr, best known for U.S. Marshals). Meanwhile, Gwyneth Paltrow stars as a corporate CEO tragically in love with a narcissist. When he not-drunkenly threatens an international terrorist who is not Chinese although his name is the Mandarin, she and the team of empty CGI armor (an obvious reference to Snow White and the Seventeen Dwarves) swoop in to save her lover’s not-drunken ass from a group of bland Human Torches (wearing fireproof clothing). Quirky Guy Pearce is brought in to wear makeup as a quirky millionaire. Ben Kingsley’s gravitas and charisma is wasted in a red herring role as an international terrorist who is not Chinese although his name is the Mandarin. The twist involving his character is never more than clever. Don Cheadle (Moving Violations) costars as Tony Stark’s forbidden love interest who is crestfallen when his fabulously colorful version of armor is met with derision by Stark. Rebecca Hall sure is pretty.

Compared to the great Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan: This movie reveals that scientists have always been pawns of the military.

If William Shatner had directed it: He would’ve cast James Spader as Rhodey.

If Scotty had seen the movie with me: He’d have said, “The more they overthink the plumbing, the easier it is to stop up the drain.”

SPOILER: China does not want the villain to be Chinese, even though his name is the Mandarin.

RATING: 2 Nomads out of 5 (minus one for bathroom humor)

Into Darkness, Indeed 24.05.2013

Posted by Commodore Mendez in Movie reviews.
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Young Douchey Kirk. Or might as well be.

Young Douchey Kirk. Or might as well be.

Movie: Star Trek Into Darkness (2013)


Plot: Douchey Trek returns
 to drag the franchise further into a Dark Age

IMHO: Young Douchey Kirk 2.0 and crew are back for brightly flared shenanigans. J.J. Abrams (Alcatraz) and excessively employed hacks Roberto Orci, Alex Kurtzman, and Damon Lindelof pilot their dumbed-down abomination a tiny step toward political commentary (on drone warfare) and then quickly veer away, so the audience doesn’t have to think. The great character of Khan is rebooted as a terrorist named Sherlock, things explode, and the rest of the plots pisses all over classic Star Trek moments. Sadly, this mess may be what future generations think of when they think Trek.

Compared to the great Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan: This movie destroys life in favor of its new matrix.

If William Shatner had directed it: He would’ve taken all 12 of Nimoy’s lines.

If Scotty had seen the movie with me: He’d have said, “And if my grandmother had wheels, she’d be a wagon.”

SPOILER: Leonard Nimoy shows he’s as willing as Shatner is to take a paycheck to do crap.

RATING: 0 Nomads out of 5

Time Travel!! 05.03.2011

Posted by Commodore Mendez in Star Trek Stuff.
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Whoa, nerds have not evolved very much in 40 years.

Star Trek Girl Pop Song 27.01.2011

Posted by Commodore Mendez in Star Trek Stuff.
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THAT’S what I’m talking about

Talk about Your Patterns of Force 22.11.2010

Posted by Commodore Mendez in NewTrek.
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Now as We Know It… 08.10.2010

Posted by Commodore Mendez in Star Trek Stuff.
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Star Trek 2.0: The Naked Time Rebooted 27.09.2010

Posted by Commodore Mendez in New Trek.
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"Your blood pressure is practically nonexistent, assuming you call that green stuff in your body blood."

Famous episodes of Star Trek TOS if they were rebooted by J.J. Abrams, et. al.

“The Naked Time,” Stardate 1704.2
The Enterprise travels to a deep space mining station on an asteroid run by the Tagruato Corporation. The transporter seems to be malfunctioning, so Young Douchey Kirk space-rappels down to the surface and fixes the transporter. He finds all the scientists there dead—and naked. A beaming party lands, including Ensign Hawkins (Alias‘s Greg Grunberg), who carelessly removes his gloves to pick up a cheeseburger and is contaminated by a strange red liquid pulsing nearby.

Back on board, Hawkins  threatens Young Douchey Sulu with a Phaser Gatling gun. YD Sulu, visibly glad to get more than 37 seconds of screen time, doffs his shirt and disarms Hawkins  using capoeira.

Soon, whatever affected Hawkins spreads to other crew members and quickly spreads throughout the ship. Crewmembers began to shed their uniforms and make out openly all over the ship.

Meanwhile, Young Douchey Uhura tries to get Young Douchey Spock to touch one of the infected crewmembers.

YD UHURA
How about that one? Pick him up. He needs help.

YD SPOCK
He does not appear to need attention.

YD KIRK
I know a girl who does. Hey, how about that one?

But he says he needs to see the captain. Elsewhere, Scotty and his pet/assistant Keenser emerge from Scotty’s quarters, both looking sad. Scotty delivers the famous line: “I canna’ change the laws of physics.” In Engineering, lesbian Lieutenant Katie Reilly has taken over the engines and began singing k.d. lang songs.

Meanwhile, Hawkins dies in Sick Bay. YD Kirk becomes overwrought with emotion about losing a crewmember and takes off his shirt. He is infected and in turns infects YD McCoy and YD Spock. They leave Sick Bay to enjoy Budweiser Classics in the observation deck naked. Laughing and crying about his lack of emotions, and how he doesn’t know what YD Uhura means when she wants him to “have some JuicyFruit,” YD Spock suddenly realizes that on the Tagruato  asteroid, a virus has been living undisturbed for centuries was uncovered by the scientists. He re-engineers the virus’s DNA and turns it into a vaccine. A naked Young Douchey Chekhov protests, “Do not waccinate me.”

YD Kirk, YD Spock, and YD McCoy gather around the captain’s chair. YD Spock agrees that he has acquired a taste for lager. YD Kirk pats him hard on the shoulder and says, “You’re Number One in my book.”

Meanwhile, YD Uhura intercepts a transmission about a conspiracy to destroy Starfleet.

Star Trek 2.0: Where No Man Has Gone Before Rebooted 26.09.2010

Posted by Commodore Mendez in New Trek.
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"Morals are for men, not gods!"

Famous episodes of Star Trek TOS if they were rebooted by J.J. Abrams, et. al.

“Where No Man Has Gone Before,” retitled “Where No One Has Gone Before,” Stardate1312.4
Outside of the Enterprise, Young Douchey Kirk is space-skiing with his drinking buddy Gary Q. Mitchell (Gossip Girl’s Chace Crawford) and Mitchell’s girlfriend Elizabeth Dehner (Gossip Girl’s Jessica Szohr). They spin and loop-de-loop among the stars—when suddenly they encounter a dark matter storm. Mitchell pushes YD Kirk out of the path of the storm, but when he goes to save Dehner, both are engulfed by the radiation.

Back on board, Mitchell and Dehner begin to exhibit godlike powers, and their eyes glow. Mitchell creates beer bottles of Budweiser and put wet-shirts on all the young female crewmembers. Meanwhile, Dehner changes her hair color and shoes every few seconds. Young Douchey Uhura says, “You go, girl.” Young Douchey Spock believes that the dark matter storm has somehow evolved Mitchell and Dehner. YD Spock hints that Kirk may have to find a way to destroy Mitchell and get a new bff.

YD SPOCK
If you do not mind, I would be willing to volunteer to be your new bff.

Young Douchey Sulu is practicing Mixed Martial Arts when Mitchell turns him into a sushi roll. Scotty and his pet/assistant Keenser discover a way to make the ship go faster than warp 9 and celebrate with a bottle of Klingon blood wine.

Over time, Mitchell becomes increasingly arrogant and hostile toward the rest of the crew, declaring he has become a god and ordering an statue of himself to be sculpted out of quadrotriticale. YD Kirk appeals to Dehner, who has not-so-secretly been in love with YD Kirk. She has actually evolved faster than Mitchell and fires psychic blasts at Mitchell to weaken him. She apparently depletes her powers, but YD Kirk now has an opening and attacks Mitchell.

YD KIRK
You can’t be a god.

MITCHELL
Why do you say that, bro?

YD KIRK
Because God can take a punch.

With that, YD Kirk rushes Mitchell, and knocks him into a giant iPod screen. He rebounds and YD Kirk and YD Spock attack him with Phaser Bazookas. Mitchell seems weakened, but then suddenly blinks away, leaving YD Kirk and YD Spock bewildered. Young Douchey Chekhov says, “He just wanished.”

Back in his quarters, a shirtless YD Kirk is relaxing with a six-pack of Budweiser Classic when a shirtless Mitchell blinks into the room. He tells YD Kirk he’ll be watching out for him. YD Kirk calls after him, “Gary! Gary!” But Mitchell’s disembodied voice replies, “Call me ‘Q.’”

Meanwhile, Young Douchey McCoy receives a message from his estranged daughter about a conspiracy to destroy Starfleet.

io9’s Tribute to the Greatest Drunks in Science Fiction 24.09.2010

Posted by Commodore Mendez in Uncategorized.
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