"Your blood pressure is practically nonexistent, assuming you call that green stuff in your body blood."

Famous episodes of Star Trek TOS if they were rebooted by J.J. Abrams, et. al.

“The Naked Time,” Stardate 1704.2
The Enterprise travels to a deep space mining station on an asteroid run by the Tagruato Corporation. The transporter seems to be malfunctioning, so Young Douchey Kirk space-rappels down to the surface and fixes the transporter. He finds all the scientists there dead—and naked. A beaming party lands, including Ensign Hawkins (Alias‘s Greg Grunberg), who carelessly removes his gloves to pick up a cheeseburger and is contaminated by a strange red liquid pulsing nearby.

Back on board, Hawkins  threatens Young Douchey Sulu with a Phaser Gatling gun. YD Sulu, visibly glad to get more than 37 seconds of screen time, doffs his shirt and disarms Hawkins  using capoeira.

Soon, whatever affected Hawkins spreads to other crew members and quickly spreads throughout the ship. Crewmembers began to shed their uniforms and make out openly all over the ship.

Meanwhile, Young Douchey Uhura tries to get Young Douchey Spock to touch one of the infected crewmembers.

YD UHURA
How about that one? Pick him up. He needs help.

YD SPOCK
He does not appear to need attention.

YD KIRK
I know a girl who does. Hey, how about that one?

But he says he needs to see the captain. Elsewhere, Scotty and his pet/assistant Keenser emerge from Scotty’s quarters, both looking sad. Scotty delivers the famous line: “I canna’ change the laws of physics.” In Engineering, lesbian Lieutenant Katie Reilly has taken over the engines and began singing k.d. lang songs.

Meanwhile, Hawkins dies in Sick Bay. YD Kirk becomes overwrought with emotion about losing a crewmember and takes off his shirt. He is infected and in turns infects YD McCoy and YD Spock. They leave Sick Bay to enjoy Budweiser Classics in the observation deck naked. Laughing and crying about his lack of emotions, and how he doesn’t know what YD Uhura means when she wants him to “have some JuicyFruit,” YD Spock suddenly realizes that on the Tagruato  asteroid, a virus has been living undisturbed for centuries was uncovered by the scientists. He re-engineers the virus’s DNA and turns it into a vaccine. A naked Young Douchey Chekhov protests, “Do not waccinate me.”

YD Kirk, YD Spock, and YD McCoy gather around the captain’s chair. YD Spock agrees that he has acquired a taste for lager. YD Kirk pats him hard on the shoulder and says, “You’re Number One in my book.”

Meanwhile, YD Uhura intercepts a transmission about a conspiracy to destroy Starfleet.

"Morals are for men, not gods!"

Famous episodes of Star Trek TOS if they were rebooted by J.J. Abrams, et. al.

“Where No Man Has Gone Before,” retitled “Where No One Has Gone Before,” Stardate1312.4
Outside of the Enterprise, Young Douchey Kirk is space-skiing with his drinking buddy Gary Q. Mitchell (Gossip Girl’s Chace Crawford) and Mitchell’s girlfriend Elizabeth Dehner (Gossip Girl’s Jessica Szohr). They spin and loop-de-loop among the stars—when suddenly they encounter a dark matter storm. Mitchell pushes YD Kirk out of the path of the storm, but when he goes to save Dehner, both are engulfed by the radiation.

Back on board, Mitchell and Dehner begin to exhibit godlike powers, and their eyes glow. Mitchell creates beer bottles of Budweiser and put wet-shirts on all the young female crewmembers. Meanwhile, Dehner changes her hair color and shoes every few seconds. Young Douchey Uhura says, “You go, girl.” Young Douchey Spock believes that the dark matter storm has somehow evolved Mitchell and Dehner. YD Spock hints that Kirk may have to find a way to destroy Mitchell and get a new bff.

YD SPOCK
If you do not mind, I would be willing to volunteer to be your new bff.

Young Douchey Sulu is practicing Mixed Martial Arts when Mitchell turns him into a sushi roll. Scotty and his pet/assistant Keenser discover a way to make the ship go faster than warp 9 and celebrate with a bottle of Klingon blood wine.

Over time, Mitchell becomes increasingly arrogant and hostile toward the rest of the crew, declaring he has become a god and ordering an statue of himself to be sculpted out of quadrotriticale. YD Kirk appeals to Dehner, who has not-so-secretly been in love with YD Kirk. She has actually evolved faster than Mitchell and fires psychic blasts at Mitchell to weaken him. She apparently depletes her powers, but YD Kirk now has an opening and attacks Mitchell.

YD KIRK
You can’t be a god.

MITCHELL
Why do you say that, bro?

YD KIRK
Because God can take a punch.

With that, YD Kirk rushes Mitchell, and knocks him into a giant iPod screen. He rebounds and YD Kirk and YD Spock attack him with Phaser Bazookas. Mitchell seems weakened, but then suddenly blinks away, leaving YD Kirk and YD Spock bewildered. Young Douchey Chekhov says, “He just wanished.”

Back in his quarters, a shirtless YD Kirk is relaxing with a six-pack of Budweiser Classic when a shirtless Mitchell blinks into the room. He tells YD Kirk he’ll be watching out for him. YD Kirk calls after him, “Gary! Gary!” But Mitchell’s disembodied voice replies, “Call me ‘Q.’”

Meanwhile, Young Douchey McCoy receives a message from his estranged daughter about a conspiracy to destroy Starfleet.

Because people won't like big sci fi words like "Berthold rays."

Famous episodes of Star Trek TOS if they were rebooted by J.J. Abrams, et. al.

“This Side of Paradise,” Stardate 3417.3–3417.7
The Enterprise sets out on a grim mission to recover the bodies of Omicron Ceti III colonists, who are assumed dead from exposure to UV rays. But a landing party finds the colonists attending a rave and drinking Coke. Young Douchey McCoy examines them, then raises a bottle and declares, “If any place is paradise, this is it.” Young Douchey Spock meets an old flame, Leila Kalomi (Keri Russell), who shows him strange CGI flowers, the smell of which imposes a state of euphoria on people while also making them really thirsty. Even YD Spock is affected, and his half-human emotions surface.

LEILA
How long has it been?

YD SPOCK
About seven years, I’d say. Do you have protection, baby?

Meanwhile, Young Douchey Chekhov tells one of the colonists who says she loves him, “That is wery kind of you.” Scotty and his pet/assistant Keenser try to make their own brew of Saurian brandy, with hilarious  results.

YD Spock and Leila hook up—just as Young Douchey Uhura beams down. An onscreen 17-minute catfight ensues. YD Spock exposes YD Uhura to the flower, and all three move away into another room.

The spores rapidly infect the crew, causing them to mutiny against Young Douchey Kirk, who is genetically immune to the spores. The bare-chested YD Spock confronts  YD Kirk, who immediately removes his shirt. An onscreen 17-minute wrestling match ensues.

After commercial, YD Spock and YD Kirk emerge from the captain’s quarters, both with wet hair. YD Spock says the only logical thing to do is to create a subsonic transmitter to spread YD Kirk’s immunity to the others.

Later, Leila says, “Do you mind if I say I still love you?” YD Uhura stares phasers at her, but YD Spock makes no objection. Then she asks if he has another name besides Spock. He tells her. “You couldn’t put your mouth around it.” They embrace, and he slips Leila his phone number.

Meanwhile, Young Douchey Sulu finds another clue about a conspiracy to destroy Starfleet.

YD Spock: "I believe the Captain has a plan — up his . . . sleeve."

Famous episodes of Star Trek TOS if they were rebooted by J.J. Abrams, et. al.

“Arena 2.0,” Stardate 3045.6
The Enterprise comes under attack by unknown aliens while checking out a genocidal massacre on Cestus III. While chasing the aliens, both ships are captured by the Metrians, who force Young Douchey Kirk and the alien captain, a reptilian with red amphibian lungs on the side of his face known as SubCommander Gorn (filmed with CGI, with motion performance by Andy Serkis) into a combat to the death—without their technological weapons! Back on board, Young Douchey Spock and Young Douchey Uhura discuss their relationship.

YD UHURA
What is this shit about seven years? Uhura don’t wait that long for no man.

YD SPOCK
In the interim, I would allow you to cuddle me.

YD UHURA
Aw hell no!

Young Douchey McCoy tells YD Spock to do something about YD Kirk. YD Spock says it would be illogical. Meanwhile, Young Douchey Chekhov says, “The alien wessel is attacking.”  Scotty and his pet/assistant Keenser try to make their own brew of Romulan Ale, with hilarious results.

Back on the planet, YD Kirk uses Mixed Martial Arts moves on SubCommander Gorn to no avail. But unbeknownst to the Metrians, he had secreted a Budweiser bottle opener somewhere in his person. Using the bottle opener (shown prominently) and natural resources found on the planet, YD Kirk creates a laser that he uses to sever the Gorn goo-ily in two. YD Spock says it was the only logical thing to do. YD Kirk shares Buds with the Metrians as an important first step in diplomacy.

Douchey Christopher Pike cameos in a shiny levitating wheelchair at the end to tell YD Kirk, “Good job.”

Meanwhile, Young Douchey Sulu learns more about a conspiracy to destroy Starfleet.