Star Trek 2.0: Where No Man Has Gone Before Rebooted

"Morals are for men, not gods!"

Famous episodes of Star Trek TOS if they were rebooted by J.J. Abrams, et. al.

“Where No Man Has Gone Before,” retitled “Where No One Has Gone Before,” Stardate1312.4
Outside of the Enterprise, Young Douchey Kirk is space-skiing with his drinking buddy Gary Q. Mitchell (Gossip Girl’s Chace Crawford) and Mitchell’s girlfriend Elizabeth Dehner (Gossip Girl’s Jessica Szohr). They spin and loop-de-loop among the stars—when suddenly they encounter a dark matter storm. Mitchell pushes YD Kirk out of the path of the storm, but when he goes to save Dehner, both are engulfed by the radiation.

Back on board, Mitchell and Dehner begin to exhibit godlike powers, and their eyes glow. Mitchell creates beer bottles of Budweiser and put wet-shirts on all the young female crewmembers. Meanwhile, Dehner changes her hair color and shoes every few seconds. Young Douchey Uhura says, “You go, girl.” Young Douchey Spock believes that the dark matter storm has somehow evolved Mitchell and Dehner. YD Spock hints that Kirk may have to find a way to destroy Mitchell and get a new bff.

YD SPOCK
If you do not mind, I would be willing to volunteer to be your new bff.

Young Douchey Sulu is practicing Mixed Martial Arts when Mitchell turns him into a sushi roll. Scotty and his pet/assistant Keenser discover a way to make the ship go faster than warp 9 and celebrate with a bottle of Klingon blood wine.

Over time, Mitchell becomes increasingly arrogant and hostile toward the rest of the crew, declaring he has become a god and ordering an statue of himself to be sculpted out of quadrotriticale. YD Kirk appeals to Dehner, who has not-so-secretly been in love with YD Kirk. She has actually evolved faster than Mitchell and fires psychic blasts at Mitchell to weaken him. She apparently depletes her powers, but YD Kirk now has an opening and attacks Mitchell.

YD KIRK
You can’t be a god.

MITCHELL
Why do you say that, bro?

YD KIRK
Because God can take a punch.

With that, YD Kirk rushes Mitchell, and knocks him into a giant iPod screen. He rebounds and YD Kirk and YD Spock attack him with Phaser Bazookas. Mitchell seems weakened, but then suddenly blinks away, leaving YD Kirk and YD Spock bewildered. Young Douchey Chekhov says, “He just wanished.”

Back in his quarters, a shirtless YD Kirk is relaxing with a six-pack of Budweiser Classic when a shirtless Mitchell blinks into the room. He tells YD Kirk he’ll be watching out for him. YD Kirk calls after him, “Gary! Gary!” But Mitchell’s disembodied voice replies, “Call me ‘Q.’”

Meanwhile, Young Douchey McCoy receives a message from his estranged daughter about a conspiracy to destroy Starfleet.