Drunken Trekkies

Many of you no doubt have heard about William Shatner’s missing scene from the Star Trek 2.0 script. Now those pages from the actual script have surfaced online, and we thought you’d like to take a gander . . .

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ALTERNATE SCENE B

SPOCK PRIME

Then I ask that you do yourself a
favor… put away logic, and do what
feels right: Shag Uhura like the rabid
Klingon targ she is. You go, boy.

And from around his neck, he removes a GIANT GOLD WATCH
PENDANT that ticks backward! Places it on the table beside his
younger self. The feeling in his eyes should look profound…

SPOCK PRIME CONT’D

Yo, this was a gift to me. You want it, …
you can have it. Sell it if you need to get
some juice, if you know what I mean.
(softly)
If it’s good stuff, get me some too.

And moves to the door. Stops. Offers the one-fingered VULCAN SALUTE:

SPOCK PRIME CONT’D

Keep it real, motherfucker.

Their eyes hold. Spock turns, disappearing into the  corridor. Young douchey Spock stares at the empty doorway a  beat, his mind a jumble of thoughts. Looks to the pendant… and realizes it’s a FUCKING HOLO-EMITTER. After  considering a beat, he hits an activation button and a  MOVING HOLOGRAPHIC MESSAGE materializes before him: THE CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK. THE REAL ONE.

KIRK

Happy birthday to me, happy birthday to
me…
(stops, grins)
I know, I know, it’s stupid to pay me to do
a cameo when I cost as much as the rest
of the movie. But seriously, since you’re also
tapping them for a nice piece of change,
they’ll probably save me for the next movie,
to get more bang for their bucks.
Don’t worry, I’ve got Boston Legal residuals,
and I still command top dollar at conventions.
(beat, emotional)
More than you, old friend.

… and we’re PUSHING IN on Young Douchey Spock, taking in the  image of Kirk’s future self, the message, but above all —  the clear, unquestionable friendship these two men had…

INT. CORRIDOR – CONTINUOUS
As Spock Prime walks off down the corridor, he passes  right by a man chatting up a nurse — the man pauses,  turns… it’s DOUCHEY SAREK! He decks him.

KIRK (V.O.)

I suppose it’s sad when you realize a
beloved cultural icon like myself, and by
myself I mean me, Kirk, Kirk, me —
I never had that silly “I am. . . . I am not”
schizophrenia you had. That was all that LDS
you used to take back in the day…

INT. STARBASE ONE – HANGAR –  glass walls reveal THE ENTERPRISE at dock, UTILITY CRAFTS floating around it, repairing. Standing at attention in rows, THE ENTERPRISE CREW —  more than four hundred of them wearing DRESS UNIFORMS — TRACK  DOWN the faces, all proud:

KIRK (V.O.)

It’s sad when you realize a beloved cultural
hero and role model is really just a commercial
entity, a corporate-owned product that can be
updated, retooled, rebranded like a box of Corn Flakes,
a can of Coca Cola.

And we STOP ON YOUNG DOUCHEY KIRK. Acne scars, weird nostrils, dirty hair. Wondering if he’ll get typecast forever, trying not to think about all the smelly Trekkies whose asses his going to have to kiss for the fucking rest of his life. A man in drag called  the FEDERATION COMMANDANT stands at a podium:

COMMANDANT MADEA

Do me a favor, Little Kirk…

Kirk breaks from formation, pivots, marches down the hangar — past DOUCHEY UHURA… DOUCHEY SULU… DOUCHEY CHEKOV… SCOTTY. Notably absent, is Spock.  Kirk ascends the stairs, snaps to attention:

COMMANDANT MADEA (CONT’D)

Put the shut, to the up. Okay? Shut to the up.
SHUT TO THE UP. Shut up!

Kirk turns. Walks to… PIKE. In a wheelchair now, wearing an ADMIRAL’S UNIFORM. They SALUTE each other:

DOUCHEY KIRK

I relieve you, Sir.

PIKE

… evs.

He opens a BOX in his lap — a MEDAL!:

PIKE (CONT’D)

I never thought they’d make you frikking
captain of MY FRIKKING SHIP. I have to stop
frikking drinking frikking Romulan Ale
on frikking duty.

Pike pins the medal to Kirk’s chest HARD…

PIKE (CONT’D)

(bitter as hell)
Piss off.

DOUCHEY KIRK

Thank you, sir. Keep in touch with me
on my new Nokia phone!

Kirk turns to the crowd. Eyes shining. WILD APPLAUSE. MUSIC SOARS. Bones leans in to Sulu, shaking his head:

BONES

… Frankly, I wouldn’t expect many more
lines in the next movie either.

As Kirk rejoins his crew for hugs and product placements, we go to the BACK of the hangar and see… SPOCK PRIME. Yawning. He turns and leaves them to it… as he goes…

KIRK (V.O.)

I know what you’d say — “You peddle that
iconic ass of yours for Priceline, WTF!” And of course
you’re right… but it got me thinking:

INT. STARFLEET MALL, PROMINENTLY FEATURING WAL-MART AND TARGET – EARTH – DAY
Our montage comes full circle as we END on Kirk’s transmission:

KIRK

Sometimes the role is bigger than
the actor, sometimes the idea of the hero
is bigger than the man who portrays him.
But sometimes it’s not. Or maybe not yet.
Every generation gets the heroes they deserve.
And if this is the hero this generation
wants, then maybe I’m glad not to be a
part of it.

Stops, grins. Because this is the part he needs to say most…

KIRK

I’ll admit it, though. My ego won’t let me
let go. KIRK! KIRK! KIRKKKKK!

Young Douchey Spock’s face. Trying really hard to not look like Sylar.